Have you ever been afraid to ask for not only what you want but what you deserve? I've struggled with this most of my life. It started when I was a little girl. I grew up in a home that had a lot of love, but just like every family, we had our issues. So many, I felt like there wasn't any space for any of my negative emotions. I would often minimize myself so that I wasn't a "problem" or didn't bring too much attention to myself. This feeling of inadequacy followed me into adulthood and not only affected my friendships, but also my personal relationships.
I was being a good friend to others. Allowing them to show up, flaws and all however I refused to let people in. I wasn't being honest with others and most of all myself. Everything was "I'm okay", "It's fine", "I don't care". When usually I did. A lot! I was just afraid that if I CONFRONTED the issue I wouldn't be accepted, loved, and worst of all, understood. I thought there wouldn't be space for me.
So, now I bet you are wondering, what does all of this have to do with confrontation? I was so afraid of losing the people I cared about, I wasn't communicating when I wasn't okay. I was avoiding all semblance of confrontation. And OF COURSE, as emotions do, these negative feelings found a way to come up anyway, but not in a healthy way. They would become outbursts, I would find myself becoming bitter, angry at my friends for not being there for me, angry at my family for not showing up, when I never gave them the opportunity to be there.
Now, here I am at 29. Exhausted with pretending to be okay. I am now very clear on what I want out of every situation and what I don't want and I communicate accordingly.
Best decision I ever made 😊
Thanks for reading and I hope this message connected to you in some way.